Homophobic fuckery

Last night was a pretty good night, except for one thing.

That thing was homophobic fuckery.

I have a profile on OKCupid, a dating site.  I’ve got “bisexual” as my orientation, and “available” as my status, and among the things I’m looking for is “casual sex”.  My profile states that I love sex, I love kinky sex, I’m interested in exploring sexually with new people.  It also states that I’m in a relationship, and that all of my exploring comes with my partner, who is also bisexual, as part of the deal.  I’ve got a link to his profile, where he is also “bisexual” and “available” and looking for “casual sex”.  We have three rules when it comes to sex – Consent, Consent and Safety.  We have a fantastic relationship and an open, fun, exceptionally hot sex life.

I’m saying all that, because the first thing that happened when I got the two messages below was to feel ashamed of my profile.  I instantly and intensely felt like I had done something wrong, like my sex life and my views about sexuality somehow invited abuse.  But they didn’t.  There is nothing wrong with liking sex.  There is nothing wrong with being open about sex.  There is nothing wrong with being an open and sexually assertive woman.

But apparently some people just can’t handle it.  Last night I got these two messages –


Jun. 17, 2010 – 9:23pm

You are such a fine piece of ass! Very verbal…a bit over serious..think far too much…and you hang with fags! But still…apart from your overly crammed opinions and ultimately superficial understanding of the world…you should meet me sometime! I promise to take you to a bar someday…pay for all the drinks…hook you up with a girl…for my enjoyment…then you can reward me afterwards!

You know…

Jun. 17, 2010 – 9:44pm
…I beat up fags for fun….not because I enjoy it…but because they deserve it! I know fags spend a lot of time in gyms…because they are kinda like women…worried thier asses are too fat! But still…easily recognizable on the street,,never met a faggot who could fight back! Wait! There is one in the US…in the American army…he could totally kick my ass lol! But that is all! Pretty sure you are on 17th avenue! That is fag central!!!Hanging with a fag! I may make it my life goal to spot you…with your fag friend! Put your fag friend in the concrete…..make him understand the errors of his ways…then take you home afterwards…split you open…then make you remember why God created women….

My sexuality wasn’t the primary target of his threats, although he didn’t send a message to my partner despite checking out his profile.  He was mostly concerned with my “friend”, and with showing me the error of my ways.

I appreciate his concern, but would appreciate it more if he would go fuck himself first.

We called the police, because the threats were so direct, and because my profile linked to some of my freelance writing and to this blog, so finding my name and school would be pretty easy.  Unfortunately, they said that they don’t have the resources to track someone down who sends threats anonymously (or, I guess, pseudonymously) over the internet.  OKCupid had a much better response, and he was gone from the site by the time I got up this morning.

It makes me angry that this happened.

It makes me angry that someone would think they could control and regulate my sexuality and that of my partner because of their narrow, bigoted, ass-backwards, offensive views.

It makes me angry that my first reaction was shame, and that I seriously considered drastically altering my profile to fit the more acceptable norms.

It makes me angry that most of the people who send me messages are clearly looking for casual sex but are not able to put that openly in their profile.

It makes me angry that my partner gets checked out regularly by men who list themselves as straight and yet indicate an interest in hooking up with us.  It makes me angry because they should not have to feel like being open about their sexual interest is something shameful or something to be hidden.

It makes me angry that my sexuality, my partner’s sexuality is even considered cause for comment like that.

It makes me angry that the threat of violence is used so casually and so carelessly.  That physical assault and rape are threats that can be issued so easily and that there’s really nothing that can or will be done about it by the authorities.

It makes me angry, and it makes me want to do something to change it.

I’m not going to change my profile (although I did clean up some of the more identifying things, and took out the links to my writing).  I’m not going to pretend that I don’t like sex as much as I do.  I’m not going to pretend that I’m not what I am – sexual, and open about it.  Fuck that noise.

I’m not really sure what I’m going to do, other than to keep doing what I’m already doing – being open about sex, and running the erotic writing workshop – but I’m going to find something.  This is unacceptable.  He made me feel very uncomfortable (and that’s a pretty drastic understatement) and I’m going to find a way to make homophobic, misogynistic, cowardly fuckers like him feel equally (although differently, because I have no interest in making anyone feel afraid like I felt last night) uncomfortable.  Some kind of campaign?  Start working with an awareness organization?  I don’t know.  If you have suggestions, please leave them in the comments!

But I’m going to do something, because I am really, really fucking angry.


~ by Gloom Fairy on June 18, 2010.

3 Responses to “Homophobic fuckery”

  1. FTR: The police DO have the resources to track someone down based on their Internet activity. The officers you spoke to probably just don’t know how, or were too lazy, or didn’t care enough. It’s a complicated process: they have to get a warrant for server data from OKC, who would be able to provide them with that profile’s IP address, which they would then be able to track to their service provider. They might need a second warrant for that.

    Still, one would think that that’s a pretty reasonable thing to do, considering if those same threats had been made in person, there would be serious criminal consequences.

    We could probably go all Human Flesh Search Engine on him, though…

  2. I thought it was weird that they said there was nothing they could do, since I’ve been watching Veronica Mars all month and CLEARLY you can track these things (I’m being facetious, but only partly). They also really focused on the “derogatory” nature of the messages, and not the “direct threat” element, which I thought was kind of odd. I wasn’t so much bothered by the use of the word “fag” as I was by the “put [him] in the concrete” and “split you open” stuff.

    The Human Flesh Search Engine is both unsettling and tempting. I didn’t reply to him last night, though, because it would be fairly easy for him to actually find me, and it didn’t seem like a good idea to escalate it. I think tracking him down myself and publicly humiliating him might qualify as “escalation”.

  3. The police were nice, but I was so very disappointed over the lack of concern. They basically said, “that sucks, try not to give out any of your personal details.”

    For lack of wanting to argue the points of our justice system with them, I didn’t argue with them when they said there isn’t much they can do because of “freedom of speech” in Canada. We don’t even *have* “freedom of SPEECH” in Canada. And the rights we do have don’t even remotely extend to direct threats like these. Even the folks who want to abolish our human right’s legislation (because its conflicts with our rights) don’t suggest that any freedom or right should extend to protect this kinda fuckery.

    Basically they came over to pat us on the head and give us a lecture about internet responsibility.

    It’s too bad the police don’t take these things seriously.

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